What You Need To Believe To Be A Republican
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
Daddy
made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a
bad guy
when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade
with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
Two
oilmen really want the USA to use less oil.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest
national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches,
while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing
healthcare to all Americans is socialism.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public
at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable
offense, but
a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die
is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George
Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our
prayers for your recovery.
Supporting "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who
will be
born or who might be born( in perpetuity.)
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of
vital national interest, but what
Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for
wearing
orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.
Rich kids with trust funds are responsible, patriotic Americans, but
poor
kids on food stamps are parasites on the dole.
A drunk who drove two businesses in the ground can be President
without driving the country into the ground.
The most incompetent administration in American history can't really
hurt
the country, because God will fix everything.
If someone tells the New York Times that Bush is spying on Americans
without court approval, he's an unpatriotic leaker. But if Bush leaks
selected
classified information in order mislead Americans, he's a patriotic
information disseminator.
When a Democrat gets indicted it's because he's corrupt, but when a
Republican gets indicted it's the criminalization of Christianity.
Feel free to tell others about
this. If you don't ,
we're likely to be stuck with more Republicans in '06 and '08.
